Wednesday, August 6, 2014

DIVORCE AND WHITE COLLAR CRIME

Should You Divorce Your White Collar Criminal Husband?

 

     To Divorce or not to divorce? That is the question. Statistics say that most marriages do not survive the heartbreak and fall out of white collar crime. Especially if there is a prison sentence longer than five years. 

 

     Aside from duration of incarceration, white collar crime is an epic betrayal of trust, responsibility, caring and protection. Without these basic traits in a marriage, (or in a family), there cannot be real love. While it's true that some white collar criminals have mental illnesses of one sort or another which informs their inexplicably egregious behavior,  most criminals do what they do because they have the opportunity, motivation and lack a true moral compass.  As such, one of the most pressing questions I had after learning of my husband's criminal behavior was this: Did he think of his family and risk our lives anyway? Or, did he simply not consider us at all? I've never been able to get an answer to that question and probably never will, but either way, it's a lose, lose scenario for me and my son. 

 

     I was married to my husband for twenty six years. We had known one another since we were in our teens and although our marriage wasn't perfect,  I always thought we'd grow old together. Our marriage vows ask us to promise to "love one another for better or worse, in sickness and in health." But those vows don't ask us to lay down and die a thousand deaths because our spouse chose to toss us off a cliff. I truly believe that white collar crime is a form of domestic abuse/terrorism and that it should be treated as such. I didn't want to dissolve our family unit however I feel as if I had no other choice. How could I ever possibly trust my husband again? I'm not advocating that all women run out and divorce their white collar husbands, I am simply pointing out the facts as they are. I believe most marriages can survive infidelity, however,  I do not believe that most marriages can survive betrayal on this kind of an epic scale. 

 

     There are many women who do choose to stand with their incarcerated husband. Out of fear? Duty? Compassion? I hear of women moving themselves and their children across the country to be with their husbands who have been moved from one penal institution to another, time after time. I have very fixed ideas about women who do this.  I know that in their minds they think they are thinking of their children in that they are tying to keep face time going between a child and his/her father and her with her husband.  But the reality is, (especially in long term incarceration), making that kind of sacrifice for someone that has treated their spouse and their own children so carelessly, in my opinion, doesn't deserve that kind of attention.  There's standing by your man and then there's giving up your life for someone who showed total disregard for your life and the lives of your children.  Is that love? Not by any definition that I know of. I believe in compassion and sacrifice but only for those who are truly deserving.  

 

      All I am trying to impart here is that it's time for you to think of yourself and your children and to no longer feel an obligation to someone who felt no obligation to you or his family at the time of his crime. I know it's a very complicated situation but broken down into it's most critical parts, you know the truth. And only you can know what it is you can overcome.  You will have to search your soul and decide for yourself. The road is long and difficult with or without your spouse by your side but you are stronger than you know and you can stand on your own two feet. Look how far you've come now?

 

     In closing I want to tell you that there was a time after my own divorce, (it was and remains a very painful decision on my part), that I didn't believe in happily ever after. But I was raw then and the idea of falling in love again seemed so remote. Seven years later I am still alone, (by choice), and I am okay with that. I know that love is all around us and it's there for us if we want to try again. But most importantly, I know now what a truly healthy relationship looks like and I wish that there were more of them. It makes me happy to see a couple in love. It gives me hope. 

 

You are not alone. I'm here. Always.

-Lisa


4 comments:

  1. Hello- I'm new. I had typed up a big long post and then...it somehow was deleted. I am glad you started a blog as I had wanted to and the attorneys said to not- more comments on attorneys later...
    I'm cautiously optimistic and hope WCWs do reach out. Its an unbearable, isolating, alternate universe of hell. I mean- what bonds people if not that?! ;-) (sarcasm)
    Just reading this exhausts me, I'm the Queen of PTSD, CFS, and not as healthy as I need to be.... I'm 3 years in and NO ONE could have told me what was to come and prepared me- no way. I've also tried to write but its so exhausting. OK- that's it for now. Ill be reading....

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  2. Hello Shadow Self, (Perfect pseudonym by the way), and thank you for your post. You are spot on when you say that we are living in an alternate universe of hell. It's a terrifying way to live!! And yes, it is all so exhausting! And I too am not as healthy as I used to be/should be but I'm working on it. At first I was power walking four miles a day with my yellow lab but after his death three years ago, I shut down once again. This mess takes such a toll on us emotionally as well as physically. So...you are three years in. Does that include from the beginning or jail/prison time for your spouse? The initial phase takes so long and the waiting, the waiting, THE WAITING, for the axe to fall is unbearable. I can understand about attorneys not wanting you to blog but only if it's because the case has not gone full circle from indictment(s) to sentencing. After that, well, it's your call. You have a voice and a great need to share with those you feel safe with. It's been seven years since my ex-husband's criminal behavior came to light. It took TWO YEARS for a grand jury to hear all of the evidence and when the indictments did come in, it took another six months for them to formally indict him!! As if that wasn't enough hell to live through we then had to endure his incarceration, parole and (still), probation. The road is long and seemingly never ending because the repercussions just keep on coming. Trying to pick up the pieces of my and my son's lives is an ongoing nightmare, both logistically as well as financially. I know there are so many of us out there and I'm glad you have found this place. I hope my blogs are of some help to you and I hope that you will continue to reach out and participate. I hear from women anonymously often and encourage them to join me on my fb page The Secret Lives of White Collar Wives. This is a closed group I began back in December of 2013 and it is only now that I have had two other women reach out to join. So many women out there who are still so afraid to show themselves and participate. I understand because I was one of them once upon a time. But now, after all of this time, I've learned to shed the shame and guilt by association that plagues all of us. I am in the process of finishing The White Collar Wives Survival Guide and will hopefully publish that as an e-book in the near future. I wish I had had one of those little gems when I was entering the Twilight Zone! I've had so little time to write and the guide was really an offshoot of the book I am writing about my family's experience. "House on Fire: A Cautionary Tale has taken me four years and I'm still not done! But almost there. I hope to take that book on the road to bring public awareness to the plight of wcw's and their children so that we don't have to live in shame, etc. I don't know why but all of a sudden after almost a year of blogging I am just now FINALLY drawing some women out. I'm thankful that the time I spend writing my blog has not been for naught. I hope to hear from you again soon and for you to share more of your story, your heartache or to just plain vent!! I'm here. Anytime. Stay strong but if you can't, then at least stay alive. Surely better things will come eventually.

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  3. Thanks- name seemed fitting for sure. My story was in the press and still is to a degree....so I'm careful. Its been over 3 years since it began. I will probably have many years of trying to write my book as well as there are parts to it that aren't finished. If I said some things it would be obvious to whoever knows me and reads this, not that they ever will but...just in case-so I want to just keep it general for now. Maybe more women are reaching out because this white collar thing is becoming more prevalent and its ridiculous in many cases. I'm so sorry about your husband/ex husband. I'm sorry he actually did it. Is he bipolar? You mentioned mental illness.
    In my situation and others I've spoken to (strange how others know people in similar situations once you talk about it) they were betrayed by the people closest to them. Set up- hand picked and ruined. Blinded by love and respect for their best friend, God father of their children, college fraternity brother, or HS best friend or father figure. I heard them all. SO close they couldn't see-but legally you are SUPPOSED to see because if you don't see what this person is doing and a crime is being committed under your nose you are "turning a blind eye" and guilty. Once the Federal system wants you- if you do not have the means to defend yourself- they will have you. Bottom line. Innocent until proven guilty is a myth we were taught. It works in some cases- yes...but I watched 1st hand the most amazing crooked sad government processes and ( can I cuss on here? ) BS I've ever...or NEVER imagined was possible. You are guilty until proven innocent. That's how it is now. To walk into a trial you're starting at 50k- just to start! and the time it takes and the train you and the people who love you are dragged behind continues for years. SO- you plea. Do you take your chances on 12 strangers nowadays in a white collar crime If you are educated? NO. Plus you have no money- they took it. The government entities are coming at you from every angle. Followed, phones tapped, cell phones tapped. So funny because peoples computers are taken and cell phones etc. BUT what they also do is let you keep some of them....oh yes...and follow you, listen to you and wait. Its the things books are made of.....it is definitely a book. I sadly don't trust Facebook. I'm on it but its locked down...I don't know but...I just don't.
    OK-I can only do this is short spurts. You stay strong too. At least you have walked through the hottest part of the fire and lived to talk about it!!! That's survival! More soon...

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  4. Shadow Self - thank you for your response. And yes, at this point, swearing is fine!! Hard to say what the "hottest part" actually is. It's all so very difficult. Like a maze I can't find my way out of. Just had a call the other day from my ex regarding alimony and it seems that now the DOR has cleaned out his bank acct., (only funds left in there at the time was my alimony payment!), and they are trying to garnish his wages. As you can see, this is a NEVER ENDING nightmare. I am writing about this in my blog today. Stay tuned. Yes, "THEY" do listen and follow. I got used to it if you can imagine but I had nothing to hide. I was reacting to the information they were monitoring right along with them! I'm so glad you are reaching out. There is safety in numbers just knowing there are others like us out there.

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