Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The Secret Lives of White Collar Wives


It's been a few months since I've written. Lots of change taking place. I've made the move back from Texas to Massachusetts and it sure feels good to be home. I've moved four times in the last six years since leaving our family home and with each move I've had to give up more and more of my life that once was. I know things are only things but some of my things have had a great deal of sentimental value. Especially furniture or paintings, etc. that belonged to my parents/grandmother. Now everything I own, (except a few photo albums and some clothes), are packed away in a 10 x 20 storage unit in Austin, Texas. I often ask the rhetorical question, "when will this nightmare ever end?" as I'm sure all WCW's do. There is no easy answer to that question. I think our "nightmare" evolves rather than dissipates because of the nature of the crime and it's far reaching effects. This is true particularly regarding our children. To see them suffer the long term effects of lost trust, broken marriage/family, depression, (both theirs and their parent's), anger, (both theirs and their parents), lack of continuity, in many cases, poverty and overall uncertainty is very stressful and heartbreaking for a parent to watch their child(ren) endure. In the beginning of this mess I tried like hell to maintain as stable a life for my son as possible. To my surprise I was able to pull that off for the first three years. But as time goes by and the struggle becomes harder, (due to my inability to make a decent living our financial situation continues to be dire - at my age full time employment with a livable salary is hard to come by), and as my son has now graduated high school, (Yay!!), he faces the decision to either try for four years of college or chase his passion for creating music. My son has a heart of gold but I see the cracks getting larger every day. His father is out of jail, (he received a rather light sentence), but my son has a love/hate relationship with his father. They were once so close and now that my son is nearly grown he can see his father clearly and the love and respect that he once had for his dad has been replaced with contempt. Contempt for the childhood and future he lost, contempt for the family life he lost and contempt for what he has had to see his mother struggle with all because of the actions of his father. I'm not talking about victim stuff here, (let's face it we are victims), I'm speaking of hard core feelings that can manifest in very unhealthy ways in ourselves as well as our children.

My main reason for writing today is that I need to hear from other white collar wives, (or ex wives), because what we have gone through and in many cases are still going through is devastating and although venting and sharing our hardship with family and close friends is helpful, they cannot possibly understand the depths of our despair. So please, if you are reading this, (apparently over a thousand people have read my blog), and are a white collar wife or even if you're not and would like to leave a comment, please reach out here or on my closed face book group, "The Secret Lives of White Collar Wives". Whether here on my blog or on my face book page we can talk openly and still stay anonymous to one another but in time I hope we can form a meaningful community of support. In my previous working life I facilitated a support group for battered women for a number of years and I know first hand the many benefits of ongoing peer support. In my view, white collar crime is a form of domestic abuse. So please, reach out. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to share your fears, (of which there are countless!), and as you reach out for help, you may in return be helping others. I've heard from a few of you wcw's and hope we can all connect and form our own community of listeners, sharers, supporters and planners. Please don't just read this and think you'll join us later. Do it now. Don't be a waiter. Activate. Engage. Pay it forward if you've gotten to the other side but please, don't just do nothing. There is help and support for all of us. 

You are not alone. You know where to find me.