DIVORCE AND WHITE COLLAR CRIME

Should You Divorce Your White Collar Criminal Husband?

 

     To Divorce or not to divorce? That is the question. Statistics say that most marriages do not survive the heartbreak and fall out of white collar crime. Especially if there is a prison sentence longer than five years. 

 

     Aside from duration of incarceration, white collar crime is an epic betrayal of trust, responsibility, caring and protection. Without these basic traits in a marriage, (or in a family), there cannot be real love. While it's true that some white collar criminals have mental illnesses of one sort or another which informs their inexplicably egregious behavior,  most criminals do what they do because they have the opportunity, motivation and lack a true moral compass.  As such, one of the most pressing questions I had after learning of my husband's criminal behavior was this: Did he think of his family and risk our lives anyway? Or, did he simply not consider us at all? I've never been able to get an answer to that question and probably never will, but either way, it's a lose, lose scenario for me and my son. 

 

     I was married to my husband for twenty six years. We had known one another since we were in our teens and although our marriage wasn't perfect,  I always thought we'd grow old together. Our marriage vows ask us to promise to "love one another for better or worse, in sickness and in health." But those vows don't ask us to lay down and die a thousand deaths because our spouse chose to toss us off a cliff. I truly believe that white collar crime is a form of domestic abuse/terrorism and that it should be treated as such. I didn't want to dissolve our family unit however I feel as if I had no other choice. How could I ever possibly trust my husband again? I'm not advocating that all women run out and divorce their white collar husbands, I am simply pointing out the facts as they are. I believe most marriages can survive infidelity, however,  I do not believe that most marriages can survive betrayal on this kind of an epic scale. 

 

     There are many women who do choose to stand with their incarcerated husband. Out of fear? Duty? Compassion? I hear of women moving themselves and their children across the country to be with their husbands who have been moved from one penal institution to another, time after time. I have very fixed ideas about women who do this.  I know that in their minds they think they are thinking of their children in that they are tying to keep face time going between a child and his/her father and her with her husband.  But the reality is, (especially in long term incarceration), making that kind of sacrifice for someone that has treated their spouse and their own children so carelessly, in my opinion, doesn't deserve that kind of attention.  There's standing by your man and then there's giving up your life for someone who showed total disregard for your life and the lives of your children.  Is that love? Not by any definition that I know of. I believe in compassion and sacrifice but only for those who are truly deserving.  

 

      All I am trying to impart here is that it's time for you to think of yourself and your children and to no longer feel an obligation to someone who felt no obligation to you or his family at the time of his crime. I know it's a very complicated situation but broken down into it's most critical parts, you know the truth. And only you can know what it is you can overcome.  You will have to search your soul and decide for yourself. The road is long and difficult with or without your spouse by your side but you are stronger than you know and you can stand on your own two feet. Look how far you've come now?

 

     In closing I want to tell you that there was a time after my own divorce, (it was and remains a very painful decision on my part), that I didn't believe in happily ever after. But I was raw then and the idea of falling in love again seemed so remote. Seven years later I am still alone, (by choice), and I am okay with that. I know that love is all around us and it's there for us if we want to try again. But most importantly, I know now what a truly healthy relationship looks like and I wish that there were more of them. It makes me happy to see a couple in love. It gives me hope. 

 

You are not alone. I'm here. Always.

-Lisa

YOU DON'T KNOW US

Living in the Shadow of Crime 

 

     When people are indicted for white collar crimes their names often appear in local and sometimes national newspapers. Sometimes, if it's a truly egregious crime, the story may be presented to the public via both print and broadcast news. Regardless, this is where the public,  (including some family members),  get their first inkling that there is a criminal amongst them and the public is fed every detail of the crime including disclosure of the financial harm done to those that were preyed upon. That is as it should be. "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time" applies in every sense of that sentiment. But as devastating as it is to those who have been wronged financially, it is threefold as devastating to immediate family members who will end up losing everything as well. Not only are finances obliterated but families are torn apart and children will lose both parents; one to incarceration and the other left to pick up the shattered pieces of their lives. Neither of these scenarios leave children with a parent who is able to function normally. 

  

     While the public is consumed with every detail of the deed the perp's family has to endure the agonizing process that ensues beginning with the initial  investigation and ending, in most cases, with incarceration. The road is long and wrought with devastating worry about what is to come. Life is lived in a state of panicked limbo because it can take many years from grand jury evidence hearings to incarceration. We never know when the next axe will fall and yet we are supposed to carry on with our daily lives with as much normalcy as possible. Assets may be frozen immediately or it may take months or even years. Planning is next to impossible.

 

    It all begins with the search warrant. Having armed detectives rifle through every nook and cranny of our home was an invasion of privacy on an epic scale. Although we knew it was inevitable there was no warning of their arrival. After going through years of our financial documents they left with boxes full of "evidence". They also took not only my husband's two lap top computers but they also took our family desk top and did not allow me the time to do a quick final back up. It is next to impossible to retrieve these items once removed from the home. As such, any data or family photos that have been stored are lost forever. Back up your computers on a regular basis!  

 

      My point is that white collar criminals leave a debris field that is strewn with wreckage far and wide as a result of their selfish behavior. It is well documented that most marriages do not survive the fallout of white collar crime because it is a betrayal beyond understanding. It ruins lives all the way around and the shame and humiliation tends to drive families into hiding and the financial decimation leaves most families in poverty. Although I have not sought professional help thus far, I do believe that I and other white collar wives suffer acutely from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which makes getting on down the road nearly impossible at times. Having the rug pulled out from under our lives in such an abrupt and far reaching manner is indescribable.You may have heard of our husbands and know of their crimes, their past and future, but you don't know us. 

 

     Since beginning this blog several months ago I've been in contact with a few other white collar wives that mirror my own experience with white collar criminal husbands/ex-husband but I know there are hundreds, even thousands of other wcws out there who are reluctant to reach out for the very reasons I have stated above. They are shut down and shut out. Although I blog on a fairly regular basis there are some women who have began blogs and then shortly thereafter have disappeared back into their misery. I am always struck by the fact that there are no comments left for these women who are reaching out for help and or acknowledgment. They live in the shadow of crime and it's unfair and unwarranted. So I want to honor the women I have heard from and even those who I have not heard from and be a voice for them so that maybe they will come out of the shadows and begin to live in the light again. I want to share with you something another white collar wife wrote on her blog after I commented on her post. She writes:

 

"I began this blog hoping for some connection.  Someone out there knowing what it is truly like and praying that they could promise me it will all be ok. That there is some sort of cosmic karma that will know what my children and I have been through as additional victims in this nightmare.  I was discouraged because things didn't get better and of course no one could promise me anything.

But yesterday someone left a comment and it made my day.  It was great to know that I am not alone."



     I ask, as I always do, for other white collar wives to reach out and support others who are facing this most difficult challenge. There is safety in numbers and we cannot face this nightmare alone. If you have reached the other side then please pay if forward. If your struggle continues than please reach out for support. 


Please leave a comment if this blog piece has touched you in any way. Whoever you may be. Tell your story. 



You are not alone.

- Lisa 

The Secret Lives of White Collar Wives

THE SECRET LIVES OF WHITE COLLAR WIVES

It's been a few months since I've written. Lots of change taking place. I've made the move back from Texas to Massachusetts and it sure feels good to be home. I've moved four times in the last six years since leaving our family home and with each move I've had to give up more and more of my life that once was. I know things are only things but some of my things have had a great deal of sentimental value. Especially furniture or paintings, etc. that belonged to my parents/grandmother. Now everything I own, (except a few photo albums and some clothes), are packed away in a 10 x 20 storage unit in Austin, Texas. I often ask the rhetorical question, "when will this nightmare ever end?" as I'm sure all WCW's do. There is no easy answer to that question. I think our "nightmare" evolves rather than dissipates because of the nature of the crime and it's far reaching effects. This is true particularly regarding our children. To see them suffer the long term effects of lost trust, broken marriage/family, depression, (both theirs and their parent's), anger, (both theirs and their parents), lack of continuity, in many cases, poverty and overall uncertainty is very stressful and heartbreaking for a parent to watch their child(ren) endure. In the beginning of this mess I tried like hell to maintain as stable a life for my son as possible. To my surprise I was able to pull that off for the first three years. But as time goes by and the struggle becomes harder, (due to my inability to make a decent living our financial situation continues to be dire - at my age full time employment with a livable salary is hard to come by), and as my son has now graduated high school, (Yay!!), he faces the decision to either try for four years of college or chase his passion for creating music. My son has a heart of gold but I see the cracks getting larger every day. His father is out of jail, (he received a rather light sentence), but my son has a love/hate relationship with his father. They were once so close and now that my son is nearly grown he can see his father clearly and the love and respect that he once had for his dad has been replaced with contempt. Contempt for the childhood and future he lost, contempt for the family life he lost and contempt for what he has had to see his mother struggle with all because of the actions of his father. I'm not talking about victim stuff here, (let's face it we are victims), I'm speaking of hard core feelings that can manifest in very unhealthy ways in ourselves as well as our children.

My main reason for writing today is that I need to hear from other white collar wives, (or ex wives), because what we have gone through and in many cases are still going through is devastating and although venting and sharing our hardship with family and close friends is helpful, they cannot possibly understand the depths of our despair. So please, if you are reading this, (apparently over a thousand people have read my blog), and are a white collar wife or even if you're not and would like to leave a comment, please reach out here or on my closed face book group, "The Secret Lives of White Collar Wives". Whether here on my blog or on my face book page we can talk openly and still stay anonymous to one another but in time I hope we can form a meaningful community of support. In my previous working life I facilitated a support group for battered women for a number of years and I know first hand the many benefits of ongoing peer support. In my view, white collar crime is a form of domestic abuse. So please, reach out. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to share your fears, (of which there are countless!), and as you reach out for help, you may in return be helping others. I've heard from a few of you wcw's and hope we can all connect and form our own community of listeners, sharers, supporters and planners. Please don't just read this and think you'll join us later. Do it now. Don't be a waiter. Activate. Engage. Pay it forward if you've gotten to the other side but please, don't just do nothing. There is help and support for all of us. 

You are not alone. You know where to find me.

-Lisa

MASK ON SELF FIRST!!

If YOU CAN'T SAVE YOURSELF HOW CAN YOU SAVE YOUR CHILDREN?

Mask on self first is a phrase obviously derived from the safety demonstration given at the beginning of each commercial flight to demonstrate the need for parents to protect themselves first from losing consciousness so that they are equipped to protect their children in turn. I have used the same metaphor countless times when speaking with women who are enduring acute stress in their lives while caring for their children. My point is that if you are not fully able to be present, awake, functioning and BREATHING then how in the world can you expect your children to function? When faced with the epic chaos from the fallout of white collar crime, moms tend to want to shut down. This is a normal reaction to a very abnormal circumstance. But shutting down is not an option. If you're not breathing chances are neither are your children. 

 

Putting on our "masks" everyday allows us to show up for our kids. They need us to be okay even if we aren't. And chances are, you are not okay but you have a job to do and it's not okay to not be okay on the job! So, make sure your children are getting the attention and sustenance they so desperately need at this time. You can fall apart on your own time but not on theirs. I know it sounds harsh but we must teach our kids the importance of being strong in the face of adversity. The best way to teach this is to PRACTICE it. We need them to know that the hard knocks in life only make us stronger. And you know what? If you continue to do this it will become rote behavior for you. Being strong for your children will not only empower them but it will empower you as well. 

 

 

You are not alone. Not for one single second. You know where to find me. I'm here. Anytime. 

 

-Lisa

New Year...And The Nightmare Continues

WILL YOU EVER WAKE UP?

 

For many people a new year brings to mind a new beginning. It's an opportunity to look at where you've been and where you want/NEED to go next. For some the New Year brings a commitment to stop bad habits and change old behaviors that haven't served them well in the past. But how does this apply to you? You're stuck in a never ending nightmare of legal issues, relationship issues, mental health issues, possibly even substance abuse issues at this point, but at the core of it all, you have children to raise and must awake from the nightmare and begin the task of committing to a new way of being. But how does one go about a commitment to lose the debilitating fear and anxiety that has plagued you for so long and been your constant companion? How do you learn to leave behind the debilitating mode of just surviving one more day and learn to live your life in a string of days, weeks, months and years just as you used to?  What if you are so overwhelmed and blinded by your fear and inertia that you can't see three feet in front of you? "It's all too much, too hard. I' don't know where to begin so I'm not even going to try."   

 

The first step toward a new life is to begin the process of removing the roadblocks that have kept you from forging a new path. But how do you remove those gigantic boulders that are blocking your way forward?  It's going to take effort on your part. Doing nothing will get you nowhere and keep you in a place of fear. A body at rest tends to stay at rest. A body in motion stays in motion. The time has come to ACT rather than to continue to REACT.  The sooner you can understand the dire necessity of acting in the now, the better off you'll be later. 

 

The first roadblock you'll encounter is acceptance. You must accept the fact that life as you knew it is over. The happy family, the affluence you once enjoyed, the ease that each new day brought that was only tinged with the usual episodes of mild upheaval that all "normal" families have to deal with are in the past. What you are dealing with now is epic and requires an abundance of bravery and fortitude which brings me to the next block you must remove and that is an unwillingness to rise above the ashes. You must be able to put aside your pride, let go of being a victim, (which you are but getting stuck in that particular quick-sand pit won't serve you well),  and stop hiding. Your children are watching your every move and looking to you to lead them through the dark forest of fear and humiliation that has been bestowed upon them by someone they love and who supposedly loved them. Your confusion and fear becomes theirs. Remember this.   

 

You have been through hell and are likely still going through hell but if you are going to come through this you are going to have to commit to it 100%. In essence, you are going to have to raise the Titantic! It won't be easy but you must bring yourself back to life! And you're going to have to do this with or without outside support. But how? If you've never worked a day in your life and need assistance, then ask for it. There's no shame in getting help for yourself and your children while you seek training for a job or a roof over your head or food! If you've worked in the past but have been out of the paid workforce for many years it may take several months or even longer to find work in your previous profession. In either case, you will need to find paid work. Apply for EVERYTHING. Any work is better than no work. If you are far away from family and friends who can help with your children then by all means, move to wherever your support systems are.  

 

The third roadblock is keeping the past in the present and not in the past where it belongs. How can you focus on the future if you keep looking back? Would you drive your car looking backwards? No. It's dangerous and you'd crash. Would you push a baby stroller backwards? Of course not. Navigate forward. Looking back keeps you in the past and in harms way. Looking forward will keep you moving forward. I remember when I learned how to ski I instinctively kept looking down at my feet, (like most new skiers do),  and it looked as if I were going faster than I actually was, (a common illusion for new skiers). As as result I panicked every time I looked down and then crashed because I had not utilized the key ingredient in remaining upright and moving safely and pleasurably down the mountain. Because I was only paying attention to my feet and not on the rest of my body, I crashed every time and nearly gave up. Then my instructor taught me to look up and focus on where I wanted to go and to point my body in that direction and guess what? I forgot all about what my feet were doing and if I'd look right and focus on moving in that direction, well, that's where my body, (and my feet), would go! Just as she described to me. So whatever you do, don't look back and don't look down! Keep looking up, stay focused, point yourself in the direction you want to go and you'll get down the mountain safely. I promise you this.  

 

Making the necessary changes this year will help you to forge those new paths that will lead you to your own new beginning and upon the arrival of the next New Year let's see where you are. You may not be very much further down the road but then again, you'll be making some progress and, well, isn't that enough for now? Step by step and day by day. We'll all get someplace else. And isn't that better than where we are now?  

 

I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts and hoping for a better life for all us as we continue down the path of recovery and on down the mountain. 

 

  You are not alone!

 

Lisa

 

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS??

Doing the Best We Can With What We've Got

Here we are again smack dab in the middle of another holiday season. Trees are going up and homes are being decked with lights and decorations. People around you are making their plans with family and friends to attend and host holiday parties. They're shopping for gifts for their loved ones and generally speaking, having a jolly old time just as you and your family did not so long ago. But I have a feeling the last thing you want to do at this point is celebrate a festive holiday. Regardless of where you are in the process of dealing with your husband's/exe's legal issues/incarceration, celebrating the holidays is not exactly at the top of your list. Your finances are already strained to their limits, (and beyond), and you are likely down to your last nerve. You'll be pushing it to get a holiday meal on the table let alone gifts under the tree for your kids. You're already carrying a very heavy load and the added pressure to "perform" for the holidays will only bring additional stress and that's the last thing you need. So I suggest that you give yourself permission to do as much as you can but go no further. While it's important for children to celebrate Christmas in the traditional ways, (it's a time of great expectations for young children), you also need to keep up your reserves because the holidays will come and go and the financial and emotional toll this time of year brings can be devastating for you. The best gift you can give your children this year is to go easy on yourself and not get bogged down in a depression that will take weeks to recover from. So maybe this is the year to begin some new holiday traditions with your family that aren't quite as taxing as those of Christmas's past. Instead of putting up a tree, (too darn expensive!), get the the kids together and build a gingerbread house. Or bake some cookies and get the kids involved in decorating them. Watch favorite holiday movies together. Go to an evening caroling service at a local church. That always fills me up with the spirit of Christmas. Leave behind the traditional hustle and bustle of the season and utilize this holiday to lower your expectations and count your blessings. I know it may not seem like it and it took me a very long time to realize this but there are still some silver linings to be found in the old and tattered pockets of our lives. So don't shy away from experiencing this holiday season. Life is different now and as such so is the way you celebrate this holiday with your family.  And really, it's the memories you create together as a family that your children will look back upon with fondness and not what gifts they did or didn't get. The truth is that you are the most precious gift of all to your children, and they know it. 

Merry Christmas.
 
-Lisa   

THANKSGIVING.....

(From November, 2013)

Blessings?

     It's Thanksgiving and you might be wondering what in the world you have to be thankful for given the state of your life as it is now. This holiday that once held such meaning for you may now be nothing more than a reminder of the happy family you once were. But there are blessings around you if you choose to open your heart to them. 

     Now is the time to realize and accept that the little things in life really are the BIG things. Perception is everything. Yes, you and your family are in a tough place living what may seem like a never ending nightmare, but take a break from it. Yes, I said it. Take a break from it. You and your children deserve a holiday of giving and receiving just like everyone else. Set a nice table for your family even if your holiday meal is nothing more than chicken nuggets and boxed potatoes. Whatever you serve on your table this Thanksgiving doesn't matter. It's being with family, (whether blood or chosen), and taking pride in the fact that you're still standing. Give yourself permission to take the day off from the stress and worry that white collar wives experience on a daily basis. The day after Thanksgiving will come and the messes of your life will still be there waiting for you. But instead of waking up the day after Thanksgiving and embracing your sad, fearful and anxiety ridden reality, why not instead embrace a new way of dealing with your circumstances? What if you decided that enough is enough? What would that look like? What would that FEEL like? Try it on. Take on a powerful stance. Take control back! Just because you are a victim doesn't mean you have to behave like one. Do whatever it is you need to do to begin to take your life back from the white collar crime machine that has taken control over you. You are bold. I know you are because you've made it this far and cared enough about your wellbeing to seek out this blog. Take back your life because if you don't, another Thanksgiving will roll around and you'll still be frightened. You'll still be shocked. You'll still be sad. And as the years roll on this will be how you live your life.  Is that really what you want? I know it's not. So, put the past where it belongs and don't look back.  There's nothing for you back there anyway. And try not to look too far forward either because that can also be too overwhelming and depressing.  Instead, live in the moment because we can only live one day at a time anyway and soon all of your everyday moments will blend together to create your new way of being, within yourself and in the world. It's not going to be easy but why make it more difficult in wallowing in self-pity? EVERYDAY try to work toward a new life. A better life. For you and your children. Decide that that's what you are gong to do and then go and do it.  It's a long and hard road to find your way out but you can get there if you try. And we can help you if you let us. The White Collar Wives Club awaits you, all you have to do is reach out and you will find a caring community of others who have been where you are now. Don't walk this road alone. Contact me at lawlerlisa1@gmail.com for information about becoming a member. 

I'm thinking of you as we begin this holiday season. I know it's not the life you wanted but it's the life you have. Make the best of it and the rest will follow. Count your blessings and may you and your family have a very Happy Thanksgiving.

-Lisa

You are not alone!